Concussions = Crappy Days: How Being Sick or In Pain Affects your Mental Health

About a year ago I suffered a concussion. I was playing a sport I totally loved and got hit in the head.

It wasn’t that bad the first day or two, but after a few days of rest, I realized I was feeling much worse. I had headaches, dizzy spells, noise and light sensitivity, weird auras, random numbness in my body, and a general fogginess. I couldn’t focus at work, couldn’t be in loud crowds, and couldn’t work out. I figured that since work and working out were both very difficult for me, at least I had my friends. However, when I would meet up with friends I found myself struggling with being present, and due to being in such a weird physical state with my concussion, I really just wanted to go home. I started feeling that “poor me” vibe as well as “I hate that girl who hit me” vibe (totally not fair to her at all, she was just playing the same sport I loved with the same fervency I play). I started feeling emotional all the time. The doctors told me this can happen after a head injury. I didn’t want to let my friends see me in such a state. I isolated myself from people because I didn’t feel myself, and I didn’t feel myself because I was isolating and not partaking in the things that I loved to do.

Needless to say, I started to feel depressed for the first time in my life. I knew I was feeling bad, and didn’t really want to admit I was starting to feel depressed. However, after months of placing myself in a physically dark room, I realized I was in a dark place. Over time, this chronic bodily pain gnawed at my mental health, heart, and soul. I started reading up on concussions in athletes and how football players with multiple concussions became suicidal, or I read wive’s reports of how their husband had totally changed their personality. Or how about Phineas Gage, the railroad worker who had a rod go through his brain and totally changed his happy relaxed demeanor and personality? There are reports of the earliest treatments for psychosis where a small rod would be placed up the nasal cavity and the brain would be scrambled to try and fix issues going on with mental health. Least to say, when the brain gets jumbled a bit in an accident or a sports related injury, its not that surprising that facets of one’s emotional state or personality might be altered, even if just temporarily based on these previous findings.

As a therapist, after my concussion era began to finally subside and heal, I noticed that I had more empathy for clients who have chronic back pain, diabetes, TMJ, walk with a walker or cane, have stomach and digestion issues, cerebral palsy, MS, cancer, and other nagging issues. Pain and illness, whether mental or physical, really can affect how you feel about yourself, your day, and other people. It can try your patience. It can be debilitating to not be able to accomplish your normal every day tasks. It might make you feel like “man, who could ever love me if I’m like this forever?” If you are born with the issue, then you may be angry at the cards life has handed you. If you developed the pain or illness suddenly or slowly, you may be grieving the loss of what once was good or your “normal”. You may be thinking, “um, okay, what’s the silver lining here? So we are going to be in pain, and life will get worse, and that’s it?”

Well, I got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I don’t know how your pain or illness will turn out? I don’t know if it’s terminal, and if it is, I really am so sorry, and while there are no easy or perfect answers for you, there are people and therapists, who would love to walk with you along the journey. There are stages of grief including: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It’s okay to be wherever you are. I truly, sincerely, and genuinely pray that you are able to get to the place of acceptance eventually and find meaning and purpose for your life, however long or short. But for others, the Good news is, and this is most of us, humans are magnificently RESILIENT in both body and mind. Scientific and Godly miracles do happen, and people do heal from really horrible illness, pain, trauma, concussions, addiction, psychosis, and other crappy accidental or purposeful heart-braking stuff. Knowing that hope is awesome, and we should walk alongside science and doctors, as well as friends, family, God, and encouraging strangers (bloggers, articles, TedTalks) in finding steps we can take to make one next positive step in the direction of healing ourselves.

Take one Step. For me it was a lot of rest, and a little more sunlight and noise each day. Making one doctor appointment at a time, A handful of different doctors saw me and tried to give me advice and medicine to help. It was a little more activity each day, trying therapy to process what was going on, a lot of self care, and some reaching out to others when I needed help. Day by Day. It was hard at times, but so worth it and people helped carry me through. Some days I noticed the difference, sometimes I didn’t, but regardless the growth was happening. A lot of people came along side me in encouragement and prayer even when I had little faith and showed me I was not alone. You are not alone. The pain in our bodies sucks, it hurts, it nags, but it rarely lasts forever. Each day let yourself experience a little more joy by taking one step at a time. You got this.

Is my Partner Safe?

Whether you are a teen or adult, and no matter if you are a single person trying to meet people out at bars/ date online, have just started dating a new guy or girl, or are someone in a long-term committed relationship or marriage, it is really important to take care of yourself by knowing if you are safe with the man or woman you have chosen to be with. In light of the recent video that just became public of NFL star Ray Rice being violent with his then fiancé, now wife, a lot of questions come in to play.

-Is this type of violence common in relationships?
Unfortunately, Yes.
1200 deaths every year from DV (domestic violence)
320,000 doctors visits a year from violence in relationships
1 in 5 men report having committed DV against their partners (and that is just those who are willing to admit it.

-How do I know if he or she is the type to hurt me?
There are identifying characteristics of Perpetrators of DV. Are you constantly walking on eggshells? Are you afraid of them? Are they Controlling, Jealous, have Angry outbursts, a hot temper, aggressive, insomnia, history of witnessing violence, and abuse substances. Also someone who threatens to leave you, plays mind games, puts you down, blames you for everything wrong in the relationship, and never takes any responsibility. All victims who have experienced DV report that they experienced psychological maltreatment by the abusive partner before or along with the DV such as: being told they are worthless, unloveable, or would not be able to find anyone if they leave the partner. They report the relationship is unstable, chaotic, and unpredictable. Question: Do you feel like you are losing part of yourself? Do you feel that you have lost confidence in who you are? If someone becomes so insistent that you no longer get to have an opinion, this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. *Remember that if your relationship is new, your partner is on their best behavior. I know it’s easy to go fast when you think you are falling in love, but I always recommend to be cautious and take your time. If this person is “forever,” then you have plenty of time to let their true colors shine and see how they really are in times of conflict.

-How do I pick someone to be with who will be good to me? Choose to be with someone who accepts you, who trusts you, and lets you be you without telling you or making you feel like you are not good enough. Be with someone who controls their temper, and takes responsibility for the times he or she is in the wrong. Someone who communicates as a way to resolve issues rather than uses aggression. See how he treats other friends and family members as well as how he talks about them when they are not around; it can be a window into how he might talk about you. *AGAIN I WILL REPEAT: Remember that if your relationship is new, your partner is on their best behavior. I know it’s easy to go fast when you think you are falling in love, but I always recommend to be cautious and take your time. If this person is “forever,” then you have plenty of time to let their true colors shine and see how they really are in times of conflict.

-They promised it would never happen again? Will it?
Probably. Statistics show reoccurrence is common. In fact most women who decide to stay and work things out or just feel that they cannot leave their violent partner experience violence 5 more times before finally leaving. They might feel that it wasn’t that bad. OR They really are sorry. He or She has been so nice since it happened. But this is a cycle that is common. 1) Honeymoon phase 2) Problems start 3) Escalation and violence 4) Repentance and… you guessed it… Honeymoon phase again. Seeing the cycle?

More often than not, if a person is able to have an angry enough outburst to hit, grab, push, punch, kick, choke, or threaten once, he or she is likely to have that temper with different people past, present, and future. Long term and intense therapeutic work are needed to change the kind of thought processes, patterned behavior, conflict resolution styles, and often the substance abuse issues that are associated with perpetrators of violence.

-Why do some people stay even after violence occurs?
This is a controversial topic. Some might want to look at the victims and say, “well, if you don’t leave and you know they can be this way, well then you deserve it.” WRONG! That is the worst thing you can do to empower a person to get out of the situation. That is like telling a victim of sexual assault, “well, you wore a skirt or a shirt with cleavage, so you were asking for it.” This does not justify the action of violence. We need to keep the blame where the fault in misbehaving and violence lies. We don’t want to bring shame to those who are experiencing these painful and scary moments. I intend not to bring shame, but awareness to women or men who may be victims of partner violence. Many victims of relationship violence have actually attempted to leave their abusive situations – 5 times in fact- which is the average number of attempts before successful permanent separation from an abusive partner. These are just a few reasons why a victim stays in a relationship:

• Economic dependency
• They still love the person
• Fear of loneliness
• They believe they were at fault
• Lack of support
• Previous failed efforts
• Pressure from husband/kids
• Children’s development
• Children’s custody
• They get used to it
• Fearful for safety
• Religion
• Lack of confidence
• Marital commitment
• The abuser apologizes and then there is a honeymoon phase with gifts, kind words, and love is reignited.

But over time there are such negative affects on the victim personally, enabling the perpetrators behavior to act again, and not too mention the awful negative impact on children.

So How do I get out?
-Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline:
1(800) 799-SAFE (7233)
-Find a therapist: there are some that take Insurance, use a sliding scale, or will even do pro bono if it’s for someone’s safety.
– Find a shelter nearby
– Have a plan and DO NOT TELL THE ABUSER WHERE YOU ARE GOING

For Battered Victims, Deciding to Leave Requires:
• A change in thinking and realizing:
1) this is an unhealthy relationship
2) real love does not include violence
3) It will NOT improve (despite promises)
4) Wellbeing on children – how violence affects them
5) abandoning the dream of the “Forever” ideal relationship
• Support network- being vulnerable enough to let people know what’s happening
• Having a Safe place to go to
• Distance/cutoff from abuser

“Well I am just a teen, or a single adult and now afraid after all you have told me. What are some Tips for safe dating ?

• Go out in Groups, Use the buddy system.
• Make sure you meet in a public place the first time
• Or second time, or third time, etc. until you feel comfortable
• Watch your drink, and give it to a friend you trust if you must go to the ladies room
• Have a friend call and check in, and have a “danger” word that you can say on the phone under the radar so your friend will know if you need help
• Let someone know where you are going
• Go slow. Let them earn your trust in making you feel safe to offer more of yourself. Set your boundaries where you are comfortable. If you can’t talk about Safe Sex comfortably with your partner, You probably shouldn’t be having Sex in the first place.
• Pepper Spray is a Thing if needed.
• Take a self defense class.
• For online dating: don’t give out all of your personal info, but don’t lie either about who you are, or about your age.
• At the first sign that you feel afraid, find someone safe and make sure they know you are standing your ground to not be around someone who makes you feel unsafe.
• MOST IMPORTANTLY: Trust your gut! If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

(or hers).

Bucket List It! Setting Goals 101:

People do not wake up thinking “Hmmm… Today I hope I feel sad, lonely, unhealthy, or anxious!” But here’s the deal… CRAPPY situations occur and mistakes are made that can increase the chances of feeling this way. But don’t worry, I have a magic pill that will never leave you feeling sad again! Ok, just kidding, I wish that was true, but I at least want to share one protective factor for becoming more resilient to mental health issues. I hope that you can see the benefit of having goals and hope for a future. That way you can take steps, even if they are small, toward something bigger and more exciting than you and your pain, sadness, anger, anxiety, loneliness, and physical health issues. Silly or Serious, physical or spiritual, Setting and accomplishing goals can help us feel good about ourselves and give us purpose in our own lives and within our communities. So here is my Bucket list! Will you share a few of yours with me?

Here we go:
1. Compete in a triathalon *
2. Own my own business *
3. Forgive someone who doesn’t ask for or deserve it
4. Go sky diving
5. Build a tree house
6. Bungee Jump *
7. Paint a picture on canvas *
8. Be in a community Theatre production
9. Play guitar/Sing in front of an audience *
10. Run a marathon in less than 4 hours
11. Surprise someone I love who is far away *
12. Backpack Europe *
13. Backpack South America *
14. Get “leid” (not laid) in Hawaii *
15. Go on a train ride *
16. Take a trip to space
17. Read the whole bible cover to cover*
18. Visit New Orleans during Mardi Gras
19. Fly a kite as an adult.
20. Adopt a child
21. Drive a car British style: wrong side of the road
22. Plant a tree
23. Attend a music festival *
24. Travel to all 7 continents
25. Get up close to a live volcano *
26. Write a book
27. Jump off a cliff into water *
28. Learn how to surf
29. Watch the Olympics live
30. Tour a vineyard in Napa *
31. Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower
32. Visit the Vatican *
33. Buy a car *
34. Watch the world cup *

35. Backpack in the mountains *
36. Bring someone to know Christ *
37. Ride on the back of a motorcycle *
38. Hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon *
39. Fall in love *
40. Go to Isreal
41. Have a six pack (abs)
42. Go kayaking *
43. Make a donation *
44. Go on a random road trip *
45. Find the perfect margarita *
46. Compliment a complete stranger *
47. Learn how to play an instrument *
48. Be the subject of a photo shoot *
49. Invent a Dance Move
50. Write a song *
51. Kiss in the Rain *
52. Perfect my meemaw’s recipe chocolate pie *
53. Give a hundred dollar tip
54. Get a tattoo *
55. Read an entire book in one afternoon
56. Do a 3-day fast
57. Do a complete random act of kindness *
58. Learn how to play disc golf *
59. Hike Behind a waterfall *
60. Ride in a hot air balloon
61. Get my LMFT license *
62. Cook up a really fancy dinner *
63. Spend a day at the spa
64. Sleep under the stars *
65. Have a romantic picnic *
66. Play on a club ultimate team *
67. Be told I look like someone famous *
68. Score a Hatrick in soccer *

* = Completed

(It originally had 100 goals, but I will admit, I deleted some for the public, since they are personal and close to my heart. It’s okay to have goals that are just for you ).

Make a list! It feels so good to check one of your bucket list items off! I believe in you!

WHY GO TO THERAPY ?

1) Life is hard, and we weren’t meant to go at it alone.
2) THERAPISTS WANT TO HELP! They usually get in the business because they really desire to help people feel better and probably were told they were pretty good at it at some point.
3) Who likes sharing their embarrassing crap with everyone.. why not with someone who is legally bound to keep it confidential.
4) Therapists are trained to deal with all those weird feelings thoughts, and conflicts we naturally have. YEARS of School, THOUSANDS of hours, Multiple National and State Exams, handfuls of conferences and trainings.. we are fairly equipped to do the job.
5) Sometimes a 3rd party is just the ticket to resolving that constant fight you and your partner are having without airing your dirty laundry to the universe.
6) We feel like a burden to others when we are going through a difficult time, but Therapists are PAID to listen and respond with questions to help you figure out your own mess, or give answers in some cases if you really can’t get there yourself