XOXOXO- Making Love: what it’s really all about.

Here’s the short answer: feeling secure, precious, special, and safe.

Valentines Day is coming up and so I decided to dedicate this post to talking in detail about Making Love. Don’t let your jaws drop to far before I can tell you it’s not what you think. In conversations with clients, friends, and colleagues, I have come to learn a Universal Truth: Sex can be Beautiful, but it can also be a source of great Stress and Hurt. It’s a complicated topic with one having so many questions and thoughts. Am I ready? Are they committed? Will I be good? Will they be good? Will it hurt? If I wait until marriage and then it sucks, what then? If I do it now, will I regret it if we don’t last? I’m scared. I’m excited. I’m nervous. This feels Good. This hurts. Ahhhh….

Thus, I am here to take away the stress of Sex and instead encourage you to build the relationship you are in by making love WITHOUT doing it. Just try it. Or try a few! Here are some tips:

1. Write each other letters, stories, songs, or poetry.
2. Tell them you love them.
3. Hold them while they cry
4. Celebrate with them when they succeed.
5. 
6. Cook them dinner or bake them something.
7. 
8. Volunteer together, or individually volunteer for a cause they love.
9. Choose a special song together.
10. Dance in the house together or Go out dancing.
11. Send flowers or Candy.
12. 
13. Hold Hands.
14. 
15. Brag about them to your friends in front of them.
16. Play a sport together.
17. Make eye contact and really listen to them.

18. Trust them.

19. Talk on the phone or text.

20. Meet each other’s families

21. Give each other a promise ring.

22. Be best friends

23. Flirt with each other

24. Be faithful

25. Watch beautiful nature together

26. Pray together

27. Make each other gifts

28. Encourage them to hang out with their friends

29. Be nice to their friends

30. Impress each other

31. Wash their car

32. Make a list of what you like about them

33. Leave your phone at home while on a date with them

34. Share your dreams from the night before

35. Share your dreams in life with them

36. Set goals in life together

37. Travel together

38. Give gifts

39. Tell them how you feel

40. Take a walk together

41. Go swimming

42. Give each other massages

43. Do something with them that only they love (ie. Fishing)

44. Go grocery shopping buying only what you need for the date and cook a meal together

45. Respect them

46. Kiss them

47. Go for a long hike or bike ride together

48. Tell them you care

49. Spoon, cuddle, snuggle

50. Walk arm in arm.

51. Compliment them

52. Do work together side by side

53. Plan and take a road trip together

54. Throw a party together

55. Go to the library

56. Play minigolf together

57. Go on a picnic

58. Go for a moonlit walk

59. Hide a love note where the other can find it

60. Eat dinner by candle light

61. Give each other pet names

62. Whisper something nice or sexy in their ear in public

63. Go to a concert together

64. Play footsie

65. Give them light touches/tickles on their back, neck, arms, and face

66. Send a funny card

67. Do something for them without being asked

68. Share private jokes

69. Take a bunch of fun selfies together, then don’t post them, keep them

I think these are enough helpful ideas to keep us super busy loving on our significant others or really anyone for a while! If you can think of anymore really great ideas, please email me at Wendy.LMFT@gmail.com.

The 4 W’s of Coming out of the Proverbial Closet

First, Let me just say, if you have already gone through this process, congrats on the steps you have taken to get where you are today. Also, if you are not gay, but don’t know how to respond to those who might be planning to come out, hopefully this article will offer some encouragement, no matter which side of the argument you may be on. For those that are not sure of their own sexual orientation yet, that’s okay.  It’s okay to say that you are in a process. Lastly, if you are questioning whether you want to come out or not, I want to commend you for struggling through a difficult decision in life at a difficult time where acceptance still isn’t totally ubiquitous. But take heart, the movement towards acceptance, hope, and healing is happening. There are people, groups, and organizations that will welcome you with open arms.

So lets talk about the 4 W’s of coming out.

To WHOM: make sure you first come out to someone you trust and also whom you really feel will accept you. Fear of rejection and anxiety are both things that homosexual individuals face and wrestle with more than heterosexual individuals. Feeling totally alone is one of the worst feelings, especially when you are embarking on this difficult road. Therefore, I ask you to pick someone who makes you feel safe and will hopefully accept you fully. Then, by having that one person’s full support as you choose your other audiences, it will make the responses good or bad, something you can deal with and process with someone who believes in you. You should prepare for the idea that some people still might respond how you had hoped, but not everyone is on the other side of history yet. I hope you know how brave you are!

(note to the responder: Please be Kind… Warm, Safe, Welcoming, Loving… Celebratory, Encouraging? All the better: but even if you don’t agree with their choice in life, they did choose you as a person they trust and important enough to tell you even if they thought you would reject them. I encourage that my role as a CHRISTIAN is to love others as God loves us. I also believe that our role as HUMANS is to love. There is already enough pain, hate, and strife in this world. Please don’t add to it.)

WHAT will you say? Coming out is difficult, so figuring out the right way to do it will probably take some thought and consideration. I encourage that writing it out first will be helpful to weed out the details that don’t matter, (who you kissed, what it felt like?) and make sure you say the meat of the story clearly. “I am gay”, or “I am bisexual.” Leave no room for confusion or trying to convince you otherwise. Prefacing the big stuff: Let them know why you chose them as a person worthy of such new and important information. Let them know that they don’t have to agree, but you hope for respect. Allow them to ask questions because they will have some for you.

(note to the responder: First, feel honored. He or She wanted to be REAL and HONEST with you, so the least you can do is let them know “ I am glad that you trusted me enough to tell me.” If you really do disagree, judgment, animosity, and exclusion will not change their sexual orientation. Secondly, Ask questions. He or she just told you a huge piece of important information. If you need to, ask your questions, to understand better. Try not to make assumptions.)

WHEN is the right time? The truth is there is never going to be a perfect time. So do it NOW!!! Just kidding! IT IS ESSENTIAL TO GO AT YOUR OWN PACE, so you can be true to who you are. when they can focus on you, not be distracted. Preface your invitation to talk as, I want to talk to you about something really important, so that they don’t invite anyone else along, or sit on their phone. Ask them to put all distractions away.

(note to the responder: make time for him or her. If it is this important enough that they wanted to tell you this, the other stuff can happen/ be done at a later time. Focus in Now. Be present.)

WHERE is the right place? Somewhere with minimal distractions, but most importantly where you feel safe. Are you so scared of their reaction you fear your safety? Maybe in a public place is best, or maybe not at all. However, if you do feel safe, I encourage you meet in a place that feels neutral. A Neutral location will help the receiver feel comfortable so that they may ask questions, and you to feel safe to share as well.

FOLLOWING THESE 4 W’s should help ease the process of coming out. Plus, I really hope that being truthful with those who are an important part of your life about who you are and what your sexual orientation is will help bring an increased sense of personal integrity, increased self esteem, and increased communication and honesty with others. Good luck!!

Aside: Self-acceptance is the first and most important step to this process. Coming out about your sexuality will be easier to do and easier to accept dissenting opinions if you are more solid and confident about who you are. I encourage you to see help and talk to a therapist, as I believe in our education and training to be neutral, good listeners, and question askers to help you become more aware of yourself and your wants/needs. Please don’t hesitate to contact me: Wendy.LMFT@gmail.com or my phone number (512) 649 1049. Another great therapist in the Austin area who works very well with these issues is April Owen who you can contact at: (832) 421 4968 or Dr_o@live.com .