Upon first meeting a person, there is usually a fun, exciting beginning; you put your best foot forward and they do the same.
But after some time passes, you can’t put that front up forever, and you may suddenly realize that the relationship no longer brings value to your life and is more exhausting/draining than it is fruitful.
Before we just write someone out of our lives though, I think it’s important to check in: why do we want to cut them out?
Another person is a mirror to show us who we are. What we like about the other person are the things we usually like about ourselves, but what we don’t like, are probably the things we don’t like about ourselves. Put another way, we are always just projecting ourselves onto another: do we love their qualities because we are comfortable with within ourselves and areas where before we might not have felt totally comfortable, we have healed? Or Are we wanting to write someone off because there are areas that offend us or draw in negative emotions like fear and anger? Those may be areas where we need healing to occur deep within ourselves anyway. The opportunity arises then for deep self work. The healing is then your job, instead of blaming or becoming offended by others; you dive deeper into the relationship with yourself (not fixing the other person). This gives us a sense of control.
But even knowing that we do have a sense of control of our own self, we cannot control others, and some relationships are still unhealthy because of another person’s unwillingness to do the work on themselves. This is when we may need to let go.
It is difficult to let go sometimes. Here are some reasons why people stay in unhealthy relationships.
“We have so much history”
“I would lose some of my friends”
“I am just accustomed to him or her.”
Fear of being alone.
Fear of hurting them.
Fear of the negative emotions, tension, or them lashing out.
Any of these sound familiar?
History and being accustomed to someone, is not a good enough reason to stay friends or romantically involved with someone. I am glad you made some memories and passed some time in your life, but if the relationship is not beneficial or worse, detrimental, it’s not healthy to stay.
Also, if your friends won’t be your friend because you are no longer close with that mutual person, were they really your true friend in the first place?
Lastly, Fear is not a good reason to stay with someone especially if it is about an awful response or reaction from him or her. If they are going to lash out, be aggressive, take you for every penny you are worth, or bash your name all over town, I say the sooner you are gone the better. We have to make sure you are safe, though. If you need to seek out a safe plan for that, PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST. Now if the fear is about hurting them or being alone, and not about their negative action against you, don’t you think they deserve to have someone in their life that is excited to be their friend or partner? It doesn’t do you or them any good to hang on to something when it is not beneficial.
Here are some GOOD REASONS TO LET GO:
- You cannot Trust them.Loyalty and Trust are foundational. Without that what do you have, besides insecurity and worry.
- You no longer share anything in common.People do grow apart, and it doesn’t mean you are bad people or failures if you can’t make the friendship or relationship work.
- The relationship is physically, spiritually, or emotionally damaging to you. Do they hurt you? Are there bruises? Do they mock your faith? Is your positive spirit being chipped away at? Does your soul feel crushed? Your ideas constantly mocked? Why do you stay?
- You are the only one fighting to keep the relationship and make it work. You should not always be working harder than the other person. Yes there are seasons where you may need a little more help or love, or vice versa. However, if you are in a completely unreciprocated relationship, don’t be.
- You aren’t able to get what you want and need
What is this person bringing to your life? You shouldn’t try to make everyone fit into your cookie cutter version of what you think a friend or significant other should be. You have to let them be who they are, but that doesn’t mean you have to have them as a part of your lifestyle if it is not making you happy or a better person. Do they encourage you and support you in your life journey?
I hope this encourages you to look at who is in your life and the types of relationships that you have.